36 and on the way to an early grave... : Anger Management - Psych ...

First let me say that I cannot afford to seek professional therapy. Thank you for listening to my story.

For as long as I can remember, all the way back to grade school, I have had a severe problem with rage. Not just anger, or getting upset, but blind, "can literally feel my blood pressure is off the charts" rage, and I am tired of it. Everyone, everything, and nothing can set me off and sometimes it feels like I purposefully look for a reason, even create a reason to get angry. Even when I know I am in the middle of an "episode" I cannot end it. I burn with the fury of the sun until I have pushed everyone away from the situation and only I remain. And it is ruining my life and my health, and I want it to stop!

I would say that I am a regular person for the most part. I have a family, a professional life, a few friends, and hobbies. I would also say that a "good mood" for me is "even with the board" and rarely do I ever have moods "better than par." But I know (and so does everyone around me) that at any moment something might offend me and the switch is flipped. There is a song I know that says it very well, "...lashing out with random hate, there is no other way, it's my discipline, it's my way of life."

I have been fired from jobs because rage clouds my judgement and I say things that are completely out of line to coworkers, subordinates, superiors, even the owners of the company. No one is off limits. I was suspended from school repeatedly for it. I have pushed friends away with it. I even take a sort of sick pleasure in verbally battering people in service industries who I think are "acting stupid" because they have to take it. I can (and do) literally find fault in EVERYTHING and it makes me feel like a horrible person!

I have psychoanalyzed the problem down to the smallest detail and the best I can figure is 1 of 2 things.
1) As a school kid I was the kid that everyone picked on. From grade 1 until about 10th grade I suffered such an extreme form of harassment every day that when I had enough of it, it turned me into a vile, hateful, aggressive person. Around the 10th grade I started fighting at the slightest hint of disrespect, even if it was only imagined. Eventually people saw I wouldn't take it any longer and started leaving me alone. The problem is, by then, "I" had become so angry and resentful towards life that I have never been able to shake it - only temper it enough to live a (barely?) functional life.
-or-
2) My brain is straight up wired wrong. I am lacking some sort of chemical that assists with coping or some similar disorder.

I don't know what to do. I am actually shaking right now from trying to come up with the right words to describe the pure toxic rage I feel on a near daily basis. I know if it doesn't end I was either die alone, or heart attack / stroke out within a few years. I appreciate any help you can offer.

Source: http://www.psychforums.com/anger-management/topic112249.html

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